Theological Terms from the Esoteric Dictionary of
Quasi-Spiritual Mistaken Knowledge
By Randall
F. West
Issue #188, July/August 2003
Trini-tini-tarianism – Belief in a miniscule but three-personed
God.
Exebegesis – Textual
interpretation that results in scaring the pants off you.
Septuasquint – Vision deficit resulting from intense study
of small-print version of the Septuagint.
Codex Sinusitis – Historically important New Testament
manuscript that makes you sneeze.
Hypocrypha – extra-canonical documents that pretend to
be part of the apocrypha but aren’t.
Apocalips – The intensely pursed expression of readers
of Left Behind books.
Tell-e-all-ogy – The theological justification for sleazy
unauthorized biographies.
Penetetouche´ – A crushing rejoinder to arguments that
Moses did not write the Penteteuch.
More-pheology Theology – The study of the slippery changes of the prosperity
doctrine.
Trylemma – The crisis of
conscience experienced by agnostics who try to respond to C.S. Lewis’ “Lord,
liar or lunatic” argument.
Eh-scatology – Ho-hum exposition of the end
times.
Decalogue – A dialogue between
ten people. Often unsuccessfully attempted in Episcopal and Presbyterian
communities. (Not related to the Ten Commandments, unless to debunk
them.)
Christodgily – Dry, academic
discussion of the various manifestations of Christ.
Form Criticism – What liberal theologians engage in when
they go on Spring Break.
Intarnation – Ontological epithet often inserted into the
sentence “What…are you doing?”
Propitchiation – A testimony of faith given by professional
baseball players.
Par-wooz-sia – State of mental
fuzziness induced by overlong fasting while reading the book of
Revelation.
Par-ooz-sia – A divine
appearance bringing about the end of the world in a slow, icky
way.
Par-oops-sia – Heresy propounded
by some writers who forgot where to look for the book of the
Revelation.
KerygMama – A dynamic woman
preacher (see also: Franklin, Aretha).
Kantikle of Kanticles – Seldom-sung love song based on Immanuel
Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason.
Synaptic
Gospels – Fast paced cyber-version of the Gospels edited by Keanu Reeves and
the cast of The Matrix. Features amazing special effects, including the Apostle
Paul evangelizing faster than humanly possible.
Dyslexic Gospels – Version that only makes sense read
backwards.
Pteredactor – A theological
dinosaur known for biting large holes in the text.
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